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Although the choice for running mate is seldom
officially announced before the party convention, it is one of the
most crucial decisions made by a candidate.
Traditionally, the presidential candidate
must look at each
possible running mate's ideology, geography, temperament
and status within the party; he or she must then be
subjected to polls, focus groups and similar tests in order to
judge electability.
After months of screening, the presidential candidate is at
last called into a meeting by the head of the party and assigned a
running mate based upon whose dad contributed the most
money.
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The Esposito For America campaign is going to
be different. We're posting here a first-draft selection of
eight candidates, all of whom we have learned (from certain unnamed
foreign leaders) would accept the position. Eight more "wild
card" candidates will be added based upon Town Hall Forum posts, e-mail, and Paypal bribery.
These "First-round Sixteen" will
then compete in bracketed online polls until we get to the finalists;
each may then sing their choice of song, there will be a
live call-in vote (or, for AT&T Wireless customers, you can text
the word "VOTE" to random unsuspecting Verizon Wireless cell-phone
users).
The winner will be decided upon by whose dad
contributes the most money.
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Stephen Colbert
Pros: The
most trusted face in America, among those who watch the
MSM.
Cons: Only
worked for Fox News once. And may have stolen their
microwave. |
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Boston Not-a-Bomb
Mooninite
Pros:
Documented experience with Homeland Security. Not a
believer in nation-building. Proven ability to scare the
chicken
soup out of at least one liberal elitist
ivory-tower northeastern city.
Cons: As an immigrant, the
Mooninite may in fact be here only to draw Welfare. |
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The Emperor
Pros:
Politically savvy, proven ability to build consensus for
war.
Cons: May
already be Vice
President. |
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Thade
Pros: Strong
military commander, loyal, carries out orders, does not
believe in evolution.
Cons: May
fling poop at politically inapproprate moments. |
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Henry Kissinger
Pros:
Carries himself eith the bearing of a true
statesman, although nobody under the age of 50 remembers why.
Our go-to guy for ringing in the Apocalypse,
critical for those Evangelical votes.
Cons:
Completely unintelligible. |
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Hannibal Lecter
Pros:
Spitting image of a younger Vice President Cheney, but more
charming.
Cons: Mr.
Esposito has suggested he might not be entirely comfortable
with having Mr. Lecter sitting behind him at the State Of The
Union addresses. |
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Jenna and Barbara
Bush
Pros: Know the best nightclubs in the
District. For, you know, getting out the vote and
stuff.
Cons:
Their
surname. |
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Ann
Coulter
Pros: Could attract the female
vote.
Cons: Could attract
the transvestite vote. |
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The Town Hall Discussion for running mate is
now open. We need your input to fill in potential candidates 9-16. Go to Town Hall right now and post your choices! |
